Accenture Analyst Dead at Desk for 4 Days
Managing Directors of consulting firm Accenture, also known as Evil Empire, are scratching their heads.
The executives are trying to work out why one of their colleagues had been sitting dead at his desk for more than four days before anyone noticed.
John "The Donkey" Smithalot, 28, who had been employed as an Analyst in the Chicago office for five years, had a stroke in the open office landscape he shared with over a thousand other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Friday evening when a "Talent Optimizer" from the HR department wanted to know why he was late with his TPS report.
His boss, Seth "The Butcher" Abusealot, said "John had already missed two promotion rounds and now he was trying to be the first guy in each morning and last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
– Mr. Seth Abusealot
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for four to five days after suffering a stroke to the left-brain.
John was doing "data entry of statistics on client runtime errors that was to be leveraged into a tool for issue management" when he died.
When asked to clarify what that means, an Accenture executive proclaimed "What do you mean ‘what does it mean’? That is already the buzz word-free version."
Cause of Death
Doctors say all the blood had mysteriously left his brain, as if acute boredom somehow made his brain "pull the plug to end the misery".One colleague, who wishes to be anonymous, says "There’s a rumor in the office that the creative side of his brain finally got revenge after years of neglect and abuse. He went insane in the right-brain. Insane in the brain."
During the post mortem examination, as the doctors were trying to figure out if it was the right or left brain half that killed him, they were shocked to find this:
When interviewed by the police, the tumor denied any accusations of planting the stroke in the opposite brain half: "I know nothing, he he he"
Missed by Colleagues?
The victim’s career counselor, Mr. Abusealot, issued the following statement shortly after the story was made public: "Our thoughts are with his family, if he had one, and we hope it will be a consolation for them to know that because of him, I will most certainly get promoted this year. He was a team player. He would have liked that."– Another evil empire Managing Director
"Only true Accenture people and people with no life can pull that off", added one evil empire-employee who happened to pass by during the interview. He was immediately fired.
"Life’s too short for Accenture anyway," he declared and walked away with a big smile on his face.
Update:
After a number of media outlets in Eastern Europe reported on this news, Accenture Russia issued a press release on the 16th of May, 2013 stating:
Can you imagine the Managing Directors in Russia doing a “careful analysis” of this article? LOL… and then calling the Chicago office:
| Russia: | Da, I wish to offer my condolences for your dead employee, Mr. John Smith-a-lot. |
| Chicago: | Dead employee? |
| Russia: | Oh, you have still not found him? |
| Chicago: | What? Who? |
| Russia: | John Smith-a-lot. He is sitting behind his desk, dead. |
| Chicago: | Hmm… ok, let me go check our office. Can you hold the line, please? |
8 minutes later:
| Chicago: | Ok, I did find two dead people, but none of them are called John. |
| According to our records, our last John Smith-a-lot quit from our Miami office two months ago. | |
| So… yeah, he doesn’t work here. | |
| Russia: | Oh, I see… Da… I will go back to my colleagues to do more careful analysis. |
Please note: Accenture Russia only denied John “The Donkey” Smith-a-lot’s existence. But they did not deny employing Seth “The Butcher” Abuse-a-lot.
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BigTime Consulting
This story really makes me wonder…. Did he put the new cover sheet on the TPS report?
Didn’t he get the memo about the new cover sheet?
Uh oh, Sounds like somebody had a case of the Mooondays…
I believe you get your ass kicked saying something like that, man!
Just a moment!
If he just could have pulled off that chargeability when he was alive, I’m sure he would have gotten the promotion to consultant the first time around. ;)
If this would have happen in real life, I’m sure Accenture would have:
1) charged the client the 109 hours,
2) NOT paid the overtime on the dead guy’s last salary, and
3) the Senior Executive would have shifted those hours to his favorite consultants to argue for their promotion (or to himself).
“First one in and last one to leave the office…”
At Accenture???!!!!! Wow…
I joined Accenture as a fresher 4 years ago…. I was very happy with the training program as it was related to the domain I liked. So much was my enthusiasm that I topped the training in my batch.
But due to bullshi* policies I was allocated to a completely different domain. Even then I slogged and performed all my given tasks well in time…. what did I get?
– “Meets Expectations” in the appraisal – and without any proper justification.
– A brain-dead maintenance project which was absolutely monotonous (full of countless 5 year old bugs which people now at TL/PM level developed)….
– Micro management by a mothe*fu**ing Manager who was a master of playing politics. Every day was an ordeal.
Thank God that I left immediately after my bond period got over to join another company which not only paid well but also recognized my contribution and ability.
Now I am happily pursuing my MBA from one of the top 5 B-schools in the US and won’t recommend ANYONE to join this blood-sucking company which is a fiefdom of incompetent politics players . Please avoid this company to secure your career.
Your experience rings a bell…. enthusiasm when starting, then screw*d over big time.
Good for you you got out! Enjoy the MBA!
did nice …job by leaving accenture @nimrod enjoy doing MBA:)
I worked a year on a project which had average work hours of 10 Hr a day.
We didn’t do the things smartly, we just spend all time on a ton of dull work.
Then I shifted to another site. The work was the same, full of bullzhiit.
And when you can’t made the work hours as expected anymore, you get ill from too much work or go down to 8 Hr a day. Then you’re fired. Now I’m in a new job and I’m very happy that I was fired.
Thanks to former lovely HR. <3
Who’s that babe newscaster in that picture?
Melissa Theuriau
Enjoy the rest of your day!
thnx Tim…. I was patiently browsing through the comments just for this ;)
Hahahah funny article.
I do agree Accenture working culture is not for everyone. But to see someone hate it enough to start a site with such stories really amuses me.
Being mistreated and loosing out due to competition is a matter of perspective.
ACCENTURE! I still tell my friends and whoever I speak to about work that ACCENTURE was a nightmare. I worked for six different employers in the last 20 years and still have an excellent opinion about them. NOT Accenture. I left when I found another place, that valued my skills, respected me as a human being, not like a piece of shit. Most of people I meet there are looking for a better place.
ACCENTURE= blood sucking, modern slavery, most unpleasant work environment. There is no humaity in that place.
Avoid Accenture if you want to be respected, if you do not want to taken advantage of, if you do not want be a slave.
“109 billable hours in five days, that’s an inspiration to us all” ahahahah
hahhhaa, come to India, unfortunately its quite common here (working 109 hrs a week)
Dead for four days, without a coworker noticing!
CORRECTION: this seems to be a farce. stupid me for thinking it’s true.
Well this is intriguing…
Made me chuckle! Comical look at the management consultancy world.
http://lnkd.in/_CnCj9
The sick part is that it’s so funny… the sad part is that it’s so close to reality… the stupid part is that people think it is a true story.
are you fucking kidding me?
funny haha… :D
For me it’s suicide and not an inspiration.. your body and brain needs a break/rest too.. too sad he died in a very unprofessional way tsk tsk…
Haha, yes, it’s so unprofessional! ;)
It’s freaking impossible to happen, not unless he is a loner with no friends, but still it’s really impossible…
hahahaha I agree..
Mentor: how are you doing? :) doing good? good.. this conversation is over..
LOL
Impossible because the first minute a person dies the body starts to decompose and after 24 hours putrefaction will set in so it’s impossible to miss. that would only mean that the company does not hire people to clean up after office hours :(
The story is most likely made up and whoever made it up really hates the company with a vengeance.
i’m here to look at reviews for accenture since i’ve been offered a job and considering to relocate from where I am now. anyway i’m not easily convinced with stories like this and whether the people here are simply paid by another company to psych out prospective job applicants and newly hired accenture employees. all comments and stories seems to be way too exaggerated and unbelievable.
Hi Michelle!
Yes, it is a humor article…
Evil Empire (EE) should really get cleaning after hours since 9-5 is only half the work day there! ;)
If you want to learn how it is to work at Accenture these articles are better:
Accenture’s Core Values
this (slightly old) one with a bunch of reviews
My First Day at Accenture – The Start of the 104-Hour Workweek
Accenture Jobs – Detailed Descriptions of All Positions in Management Consulting
What? How Did I End Up in a Money Laundry Scheme?
and since you are researching Accenture by reading reviews, this one about employee reviews is very relevant…
What kind of job did they offer you?
Best of luck in your career!
Astonishing news, which will surely throw sinister lights on the bespoken reputation of the notorious IT firm Accenture, labeled as the “Evil Empire”:
http://exposingevilempire.com/accenture/accenture-analyst-dead-at-desk-for-4-days/
A lot of things are sadly and funnily interesting in this article, but just two outlines:
109 Billable hours in five days is easy when you are dead:
Monday: Come in at 7, die, “sit” at you desk until midnight = 17 hours
Tuesday: 24 hours
Wednesday: 24 hours
Thursday: 24 hours
Friday: Found at 8 pm in the evening = 20 hours
Total: 109 Hours :)
As the “resource” was in front of his computer, Accenture will of course bill him to the client…
Just another day at the office
This can’t be true
:D
and I thot this was all true…lol
You work for living, not dying. Take that!
Normal day at work?
́È perché non hai mai avuto a che fare con Seth Abusealot ;-)
High performance delivered?
This article is hilarious! AND something that could actually happen.
I worked at Accenture for 4 years and quit only 3 months ago. I started off as a measly Analyst Level 1 and worked my A** off to become a Consultant in 3 years. Every day was torture. I used to dread going to work. The long hours and high pressure just get to you after a while. How long can you get people to believe that the harder and longer you work, the better you are as an employee? How long can people continue to make sacrifices in their health, family, and sanity for a few bucks?
Accenture is a place where you are brainwashed to believe that what we do is the right thing.
I had worked on one PowerPoint presentation for 4 days straight and then being told at 3.00 am that everything needed to be changed and submitted by 8.00 am the next morning, I suffered a nervous breakdown. I kid you not. And this is not the first time something like this had happened with me. I had just gotten immune to living a shitty life of slavery at Accenture and getting rewarded for being a person with no life, health, and sanity.
That was the day I decided to quit. I didn’t care that I was due for a nice big appraisal, I didn’t care that if I had waited another year I could be eligible for gratuity. It didn’t F***** matter.
I wanted to be able to sleep for at least 6 hours in one go, watch a movie from time to time, exercise, have friends beyond Lync, and do things that actually made me happy.
I had to live through the painful 3 month long notice period and it took a few weeks for me to actually start believing that its OK to not work 20 hours a day. That it’s OK to take a break sometimes and that its OK to watch a movie, take a walk or call a friend and I don’t need to feel guilty for doing it.
I have never regretted my decision – my health has dramatically improved, my life is so much happier. I am so grateful that my boss pushed me to a nervous breakdown that morning – I probably wouldn’t have quit otherwise.
I really urge people to avoid joining Accenture if they value their sanity, health and happiness.
EDIT:
This comment has been edited into a standalone article by its author:
My First Day at Accenture – The Start of the 104-Hour Workweek
What was his family doing….they dint even call the office???
During the interview only I told them that I cannot work under too much of pressure .. and I cannot take too much of work stress and that I will have to have time for the family also…. they did not give me the job after this final round…. this means that their job had too much of work pressure and stress and no work life balance….. I believe
I resigned already.
We should care for our colleagues. We should not be driven by money.We should not lean on earthly leaders only in God. Strength comes from Jesus Christ.
Always need to relax …
ROFL…good read
One employee, Sonam Kukreti, has also passed away in Accenture Gurgaon on 17.11.2015