Accenture Analyst Dead at Desk for 4 Days
Managing Directors of consulting firm Accenture, also known as Evil Empire, are scratching their heads.
The executives are trying to work out why one of their colleagues had been sitting dead at his desk for more than four days before anyone noticed.
John "The Donkey" Smithalot, 28, who had been employed as an Analyst in the Chicago office for five years, had a stroke in the open office landscape he shared with over a thousand other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Friday evening when a "Talent Optimizer" from the HR department wanted to know why he was late with his TPS report.
His boss, Seth "The Butcher" Abusealot, said "John had already missed two promotion rounds and now he was trying to be the first guy in each morning and last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
– Mr. Seth Abusealot
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for four to five days after suffering a stroke to the left-brain.
John was doing "data entry of statistics on client runtime errors that was to be leveraged into a tool for issue management" when he died.
When asked to clarify what that means, an Accenture executive proclaimed "What do you mean ‘what does it mean’? That is already the buzz word-free version."
Cause of DeathDoctors say all the blood had mysteriously left his brain, as if acute boredom somehow made his brain "pull the plug to end the misery".
One colleague, who wishes to be anonymous, says "There’s a rumor in the office that the creative side of his brain finally got revenge after years of neglect and abuse. He went insane in the right-brain. Insane in the brain."
During the post mortem examination, as the doctors were trying to figure out if it was the right or left brain half that killed him, they were shocked to find this:
When interviewed by the police, the tumor denied any accusations of planting the stroke in the opposite brain half: "I know nothing, he he he"
Missed by Colleagues?The victim’s career counselor, Mr. Abusealot, issued the following statement shortly after the story was made public: "Our thoughts are with his family, if he had one, and we hope it will be a consolation for them to know that because of him, I will most certainly get promoted this year. He was a team player. He would have liked that."
– Another evil empire Managing Director
"Only true Accenture people and people with no life can pull that off", added one evil empire-employee who happened to pass by during the interview. He was immediately fired.
"Life’s too short for Accenture anyway," he declared and walked away with a big smile on his face.
After a number of media outlets in Eastern Europe reported on this news, Accenture Russia issued a press release on the 16th of May, 2013 stating:
Can you imagine the Managing Directors in Russia doing a “careful analysis” of this article? LOL… and then calling the Chicago office:
|Russia:||Da, I wish to offer my condolences for your dead employee, Mr. John Smith-a-lot.|
|Russia:||Oh, you have still not found him?|
|Russia:||John Smith-a-lot. He is sitting behind his desk, dead.|
|Chicago:||Hmm… ok, let me go check our office. Can you hold the line, please?|
8 minutes later:
|Chicago:||Ok, I did find two dead people, but none of them are called John.|
|According to our records, our last John Smith-a-lot quit from our Miami office two months ago.|
|So… yeah, he doesn’t work here.|
|Russia:||Oh, I see… Da… I will go back to my colleagues to do more careful analysis.|
Please note: Accenture Russia only denied John “The Donkey” Smith-a-lot’s existence. But they did not deny employing Seth “The Butcher” Abuse-a-lot.